The Fragility of Life

For the first time in 4 years, I was sick a few weeks ago. At one moment, as I lay in bed, I thought to myself, "this is what it feels like to be a human being who gets sick sometimes." Then a wave of emotion washes over me as I am suddenly present to a scene from my childhood...

I am 7 years old. I am sick with a fever. I am walking to the kitchen, past my mother who is sitting in the living room watching the 5 o'clock news, and I am very uncomfortable. I am desperately trying to hold in a cough that is ready to explode from my lungs and throat at any moment. But I know that if my mother hears me cough, she will get angry, and I will get a beating. It is a matter of life and death... and so I hold my breath...

When I lived with my mother as a child, she would not allow me or my twin sister to act sick. We never missed a day of school, she never took us to a physician, and coughing, sneezing, vomiting or anything of the sort was not tolerated. As a result, we learned to suppress our illness experience. We learned to manage it and get over it as quickly as possible.

Now some of you may find this sad or unfortunate that I had to deal with this. I too feel a sadness when I think about what that little girl had to deal with in such a vulnerable state. However, thanks to the power of forgiveness, I am free of the suffering around it. I get it. I see now why my mother acted the way she did...

My mother could not deal emotionally with the experience of illness. When she was living in Vietnam, one of her sisters became very sick. My mother tried to care for her, but she died anyway. This was very traumatic for my mom. And after that, if anyone she loved got sick around her, that same trauma would get triggered.

Underneath my mother's intense anger was an intense love and concern for the well-being of her family. Getting this about her has been a crucial part in shaping the healer I am today. And what happened is in the past. What I can do now is honor that little girl.

I have learned to honor the child inside me who used to be so convinced no one loved her and she was just a burden to others. I have learned to cherish that little girl, listen to her, tell her I am sorry for what she had to deal with and that I love her no matter what. It has taken time, but she really gets it now... although she never gets tired of hearing it. Building this relationship with my inner child has been one of the most liberating and transformative practices of my life. My child has taught me more about who I am than any outer world experience could have. Thank you, my darling! 

Honoring my past, instead of using it to define me, not only leaves me present to the beauty of my journey and the child within, but also to the fragility of life. I see that there was never really a time where I was secure, and the times in my life when I have suffered the most, were times when I was the most attached to an identity or a way that others or the world should be. We are constantly walking a tight rope between love and fear, engaging in the physical and non-physical, and working with inspired action versus mindless doing consistent with a fixed position. What makes the difference is opening ourselves up, sharing our story, and surrending the ego: the "NO" that we are with regard to the way life actually is.

What really allows our own light to emanate like that of a diamond's, is being willing to live at the threshold. Not attached to the physical or floating in some alternative spiritual realm, but right here at the center of it all. This takes courage and practice because here, NOTHING is for certain and change is an illusion. Here we must be willing to honor Process and total transformation that leaves us unrecognizable. Why we do this is because now is the time. This is the juncture where we all meet--and together--greet a future about which we can all say in unison: "I did that."