It's been quite a while since I posted. The long and short of it is, after 20 days without sugar, I grabbed a raw chocolate bar at the Dekalb Farmer's Market and I was off to the races.
It "happened" with a lot of forethought, though the actual gesture took a split second.
Since then I have been eating sugary things off and on. I'm not too happy about the weight I've gained since this, er, "happened." Gaining and losing weight is after all, a calories in and calories out formula. Fortunately, at least for today, I am not being too terribly hard on myself. I got some releif from the food obsession recently by combining prayer and meditaion, OA meetings, and the help of a good therapist.
Obsessing over food is something I learned at an early age from both of my parents. Without going into detail, suffice to say I still carry that training into my adulthood. Understanding where it comes from is not the be all end all, however. One day at a time, one meal at a time, I have to power to make different choices than my parents made about meals, meal planning, and the way I look at the role of food in my life.
When I was eating mostly raw I was able to lose 4 pounds. Even when I reincorporated cooked foods into my diet I was able to keep the weight off. It's the sugar that propels me into a downward spiral. I eat a little bit each day and then more and then more as the days go by. Portion control is also a problem for me.
I know that many of you reading this are raw foodists, vegans and vegetarians. I am not any of those. I hesitated to even join this site and post blogs because I do eat meat. The idea of community and empowerment is what attracted me to the site in the first place, so here I am. I've found that eating mostly raw was difficult for me. After years of being a bodybuilder, I completely burned out on cooking. When I was competing, I had a strict food plan and I cooked all my meals myself. I'm still falling down on the job when it comes to prepping food. I eat out a lot right now, but I try to make the healthiest choices possible.
That's one thing that has changed in the last few days: making healthier food choices. I am slowly getting back into enjoying those foods. I feel today I am on an upswing. I know that I must keep doing all the things that got me to this place. I can't let up on doing the things that work.
I was angry for a long time that God was not giving me the reprieve that some people talk about in OA from the food obsession. It's just taken time for me to realize I was being dishonest with myself. I do have choices, and the raw chocolate bar did not just jump into my mouth. I do believe the solution for me is to continue cultivating relationships with my fellows who suffer from the same obsession. I do believe that God is working in my life through these realtionships. I know it's not about the sugar. It's not about the weight, It's about getting closer to my fellows and living right here right now, loving what I have, which is truly an unlimited bounty of love and friendship. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, no reasons, really to complain.
My sponsor said that after time I may be able to reincorporate certain foods back into my diet. What I am praying for right now is the ability to moderate my food portions. Really, I am praying for the willingness to moderate. Some days I just want my way, whether it be in the form of a huge bowl of spaghetti or a pint of ice cream. That's not going to give me the physical results I want and it's certainly not going to make me feel very good about myself afterward. My fellow OA's tell me there is hope. I certainly feel weak often, but if I work the spiritual aspect of my program, the relief eventually comes.
Today I am willing to give myself permission to heal.
All the Best,