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"It just happened!"
Hi All,
It's been quite a while since I posted. The long and short of it is, after 20 days without sugar, I grabbed a raw chocolate bar at the Dekalb Farmer's Market and I was off to the races.
It "happened" with a lot of forethought, though the actual gesture took a split second.
Since then I have been eating sugary things off and on. I'm not too happy about the weight I've gained since this, er, "happened." Gaining and losing weight is after all, a calories in and calories out formula. Fortunately, at least for today, I am not being too terribly hard on myself. I got some releif from the food obsession recently by combining prayer and meditaion, OA meetings, and the help of a good therapist.
Obsessing over food is something I learned at an early age from both of my parents. Without going into detail, suffice to say I still carry that training into my adulthood. Understanding where it comes from is not the be all end all, however. One day at a time, one meal at a time, I have to power to make different choices than my parents made about meals, meal planning, and the way I look at the role of food in my life.
When I was eating mostly raw I was able to lose 4 pounds. Even when I reincorporated cooked foods into my diet I was able to keep the weight off. It's the sugar that propels me into a downward spiral. I eat a little bit each day and then more and then more as the days go by. Portion control is also a problem for me.
I know that many of you reading this are raw foodists, vegans and vegetarians. I am not any of those. I hesitated to even join this site and post blogs because I do eat meat. The idea of community and empowerment is what attracted me to the site in the first place, so here I am. I've found that eating mostly raw was difficult for me. After years of being a bodybuilder, I completely burned out on cooking. When I was competing, I had a strict food plan and I cooked all my meals myself. I'm still falling down on the job when it comes to prepping food. I eat out a lot right now, but I try to make the healthiest choices possible.
That's one thing that has changed in the last few days: making healthier food choices. I am slowly getting back into enjoying those foods. I feel today I am on an upswing. I know that I must keep doing all the things that got me to this place. I can't let up on doing the things that work.
I was angry for a long time that God was not giving me the reprieve that some people talk about in OA from the food obsession. It's just taken time for me to realize I was being dishonest with myself. I do have choices, and the raw chocolate bar did not just jump into my mouth. I do believe the solution for me is to continue cultivating relationships with my fellows who suffer from the same obsession. I do believe that God is working in my life through these realtionships. I know it's not about the sugar. It's not about the weight, It's about getting closer to my fellows and living right here right now, loving what I have, which is truly an unlimited bounty of love and friendship. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, no reasons, really to complain.
My sponsor said that after time I may be able to reincorporate certain foods back into my diet. What I am praying for right now is the ability to moderate my food portions. Really, I am praying for the willingness to moderate. Some days I just want my way, whether it be in the form of a huge bowl of spaghetti or a pint of ice cream. That's not going to give me the physical results I want and it's certainly not going to make me feel very good about myself afterward. My fellow OA's tell me there is hope. I certainly feel weak often, but if I work the spiritual aspect of my program, the relief eventually comes.
Today I am willing to give myself permission to heal.
All the Best,
Andrew.
Comment
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Comment by Victoria Moon on March 13, 2012 at 8:51am -
"I know it's not about the sugar. It's not about the weight. It's about getting closer to my fellows and living right here, right now, loving what I have, which is truly an unlimited bounty of love and friendship."
Thank you for sharing Andrew. And if I may add something here. I heard you say that it's actually about the love we get to share and express with others. I get that! However, you might consider that it's actually not even "about" that, but rather it IS that. We are in conversation to practice bringing about a very real state of being that is created in an instant: Health! And empowered choices come out of this state of Oneness, this state of acceptance and being whole. This IS health and the process we honor inside this IS healing...no matter what it looks like! And challenging ourselves to get real, while remaining compassionate when faced with breakdown, expanding who we are in the face of BD, moves us up the scale of owning and creating our world of health--NATURALLY.
Love your expression, Andrew!
Constant Healing!
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Comment by SilverKoala on February 3, 2012 at 7:46pm -
Thanks Andrew, here's a hug for you! :) Glad you are in OA... and yes, there definitely is hope!
I am another one of the (i think?) minority of folks on this site who aren't vegetarian or vegan.
I eat about 60-70% raw, organic foods... and that is really the best I can do.
I would be 100% vegetarian, possibly even vegan... if it were genetically possible for me to do so. However, I tried it for three months and it almost killed me.
That is, I became critically malnourished in only 3 months, despite using basically every non-animal based vitamin or food supplement under the sun, despite following up to date food-combining guidelines to ensure "complete proteins", and despite following the guidance of a PHD nutritionist.
Eventually my nutritionist told me "I guess you should quit. About one in eight people are physically incapable of being 100% vegetarian. You seem to be one of them. Please see a doctor, if you want to find out why this isn't working on you." But I was stubborn (food-obsessive, perhaps!) ...and kept on trying to be vegetarian for another week after the nutritionist told me to quit!
And had a very un-fun result. I fainted and had to be briefly hospitalized from stubbornly trying to stay 100% Veg. Medical tests (blood tests, genetic testing, and allergy tests) done on me did in fact determine why I am not capable of 100% vegetarianism.
For one thing, I have a rare form of genetic anemia. Due to this, I'm incapable of converting plant iron into hemoglobin. This form of anemia, despite being rare across the globe, is actually pretty common amongst peoples who depended upon animal foods for many generations (such as Eskimos, and quite a few Native American nations).
Additionally, I turned out to have significant food allergies to both soy and peanut (common vegetarian protein sources). And no, allergy shots didn't help remove these allergies... they made me sicker and triggered off a case of Lupus involving my digestive system. Due to the damage done by the Lupus, my body now digests all plant-proteins very poorly. Not just soy and peanut proteins.
I used to be able to digest some plant proteins OK as a child, but lost the ability after the Lupus caused all its damage, in my teens...
So, if I were to consume only iron from plant foods, I would soon faint again from anemia. And if I were to consume only proteins from plant foods, I would be on a path of slow starvation.
I just have had to accept that 70% raw/veg is the best ratio my body is capable of. And since accepting this, I have been WAY healthier than I ever was while trying to be all-veg.
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Comment by mad miss mash on January 16, 2012 at 10:43am -
wow thanks so much for sharing. you are doing great! you are in communication and i hear you!! Higher Power hears you!
and i totally relate to so much of what you said!
yes.. the willingness DOES come... ONE MOMENT AT A TIME..
i keep praying and keep receiving that relief from cravings... it is amazing. like i truly have the willingness! and for me, it is saving my life, so i really require this willingness to stay alive. (i get suicidal when i am binging and purging.)
wednesday last week, when i slipped and went BAZURK w food and purged it all... i had been refusing to pray for about 48 hours. how did that happen? the whole prior weekend i was feeling angry at my x-boyfriend (and later realized a lot of anger was w myself for "getting fooled"). then i was soo hungry after work monday.. made some choices WAY outside my food plan at our faculty meeting... and got more angry when i saw my x after that... and then (this stopped the prayer) i smoked green again.
for me.. this stops me from praying. i cant connect fully. i get out of touch. yes.. i get creative, write songs, paint, have all kinds of inspiring ideas........ and i also start thinking i can handle things myself, be in control.. and seem to be incapable of praying.
anyway.. tuesday.. sucked. more binging and smoking. did not answer at least 7 phone calls.
wednesday it all went down.
but wednesday i did begin to reach out and call people. (i kept looking at my "pray" tattoo and telling myself.. well if you are not gonna pray.. at least call someone!) right after i purged i called two people and was able to recommit to abstinence. finally, w the help of my sponsor that night, i was able to pray again. and i surrendered EVERYTHING over to God. i know that i cannot manage my life on my own. it is in God's hands again.
since then i have been praying constantly. sooo many prayers answered about so many things... but most importantly, to stay abstinent from my addictive behaviors.
that first day of abstinence was not easy. but it has already gotten a lot easier since then. so much that i even had the strength to also give up coffee starting yesterday!
i share all of this because i hear you asking for willingness.
it makes a difference for me and my willingness to surrender EVERYTHING over to Higher Power. as soon as i start thinking in my mind that i can be in control... is exactly when my prayers go out the window. it does not work to pray for willingness w food, yet to not surrender over my life about something else (say, my music, my job, my car, smoking, dating.... anything).
and, it makes a difference for me to notice that smoking green stops my connection to God.
is there anything that you can identify that stops you from praying? or is there anything that you are unwilling to surrender to Higher Power (and stop being the leader of that part of your life.. let Higher Power lead the way?)
my life is in God's hands... it is scary scary.. i am such a control freak!! yet.. i trust God now. this Higher Power God Universe Holy Spirit Thing!!! is AMAZING when i surrender it all over and just pay attention to THIS MOMENT ONLY.
i am praying for you and for your willingness!
yes! i give myself permission to heal today!!
hug.
mash
ps. please reach out to me anytime!! i am here for you!
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